It's ok to not be ok!
Remember the emotions when you first dropped your little one off at kindy? The excitement, nerves, and that lump in your throat as they toddled off, looking so small yet so brave? Remember how everyone checked in with you to make sure you were ok? When my oldest two started Kindy the teacher had a little care bag for us. It had a tea bag, a mint, a tissue and a rubber band and some other things with a little note that said something like ‘a tissue to dry your tears, a tea bag so you take some time to relax, a rubber band to remind you that you will bounce back’. That kind of thing that were quite sweet at the time but I can’t really remember because it was years ago. The point is; people expected parents to not be ok and ‘society’ wrapped around us and validated those feelings.
Let's get real
I’m going to be honest, I was fine when my kids started kindy. I was lucky, I don’t know how I would have coped if they had been the kids who were crying under a table but, when it was time for parents to leave and the children were invited to say goodbye to Mummy and Daddy, my kids barely looked at me as they waved and shouted ‘bye Mummy’. Off I wandered and ate my Mintie on the way to the parked car.
When they started high school (and Tafe and Uni) it was not as easy. Those feelings that everyone spoke about experiencing for kindy, they were all there 10 fold but no one was there offering me a tissue or a Mintie. It was really isolating. I thought it would be easier when my second started highschool. It wasn’t. I really hadn’t expected it when my eldest started uni but wow it hit hard and finally when my second started TAFE I was at least ready for it.
The stakes feel big
When your child starts high school, TAFE, or university, the stakes feel bigger. They’re no longer little, but they’re still your baby. Whether they’re heading into year 7 with a backpack that’s half their size or heading off on the train to uni or TAFE, transitions like these can hit parents hard.
The thing is, there’s no “parent support group” waiting to comfort us when we drop our 12-year-old off at high school or wave goodbye as our 18-year-old drives off to campus. Society seems to expect us to have it all together by then. But the truth? It’s OK to not be OK. (or at least I hope it’s ok to not be ok because as my third child is getting ready to start high school, I’m getting ready to not be ok AGAIN!)
Why it hurts (and why that's OK)
Letting go is bittersweet. It’s a proud moment when they stride into their new chapter, but it’s also a reminder that they’re growing up—and away. It’s normal to feel a mix of pride, sadness, and anxiety. These milestones bring back memories of their firsts: their first steps, first words, and yes, their first day of kindy. It is really hard letting go and knowing that you can’t protect them in the same way you could when they were younger.
What can help
1 - Acknowledge your feelings
Give yourself permission to feel sad, proud, or even scared. Journaling or chatting with a friend can help you process these emotions. Talk about it. Let’s normalise not being ok in this stage. My kids also know that I’m not ok. They know that I am feeling sad and anxious and proud and excited. I get to share with them that a mix of emotions is ok and it’s ok to feel the feels and they get to see my village supporting me.
2 - Find your village
Just because the kids are older doesn’t mean you don’t need support. Connect with other parents who are in the same boat—odds are, they’re feeling the same way. The more we talk about things like this, the more we normalise it and, perhaps in years to come there will be a care package for parents dropping their teens at TAFE for the first day :p Seriously though, talk about how hard it is and share that with others. It really does help and it helps for others to say ‘yeah, it’s really hard! We got through it and it gets easier I promise!’)
3 - Celebrate the milestones
I’m supposed to suggest that instead of focusing on the “letting go,” try celebrating the growth. A special dinner, a small gift, or even just a heartfelt note can mark the occasion and remind them (and you!) how far they’ve come. Anyone who knows me knows I will celebrate the opening of a door so, 100% celebrate the milestone but know that just because you are celebrating the end of one chapter and the start of the new chapter doesn’t mean that ending isn’t going to hurt or that the new chapter isn’t feeling really scary right now. Let me reword that opening sentence: AS WELL AS focusing on the letting go, try celebrating the growth. The two things can exist together.
4 - Focus on the big picture
Remember, these transitions are what you’ve been preparing them for. They’re taking steps towards independence, which is exactly what they’re supposed to do. Each of these transitions is a step closer to that independence that we all want for our kids but it is also a step closer to them not needing us. It is really hard to feel like we need to let go and let our kids fly. If we have done our job right then my goodness when they do fly it is magnificent and we get to celebrate that, and if we have done our job right, when they fall we are there to either catch them or at the very least, slow their descent. It is exciting, and it is hard.
There's no manual!
Parenting doesn’t come with a manual. I often joke that there are so many books that focus on pregnancy and birth. Why? They are the easy bits. Baby is going to grow in there and then it’s coming out one of two ways. How are there so many books about that and then after that (particularly after the ‘early years’) we are on our own. My theory is; if we knew about the hard stuff, no one would do it. (Also, I’m totally joking, pregnancy and birth are really scary and if that is where you are at and you are overwhelmed and scared, that is totally normal and totally understandable, it’s easy to say that those were the easy bits when you are a decade plus away from those milestones but those bits really were not easy!!)
The emotions don’t get simpler or stop just because the kids are older. So, if you find yourself tearing up in the car park or checking your phone for that first text, know that you’re not alone. Transitions are tough, but they’re also a sign of growth—for your kids and for you.
You got this!
SEO bits - older kids going back to school
In order to hit the SEO I need to include some bits, normally I try and weave them in in a way that feels organic but today I don’t really want to.
If you are looking for more resources around 0lder kids going back to school then you can check out our other blog posts including our recent blog on talking to your kids about bullying.
Are your older kids anxious about going back to school? We have an online course available Supporting Kids with Anxiety
If your older children are heading towards ATAR this year then we also have a workshop to survive ATAR
