A little while ago, I wrote about the mental load and how exhausting it can be to be the person who remembers everything. (You can check out that blog here)
The person who knows when the permission slip is due.
The person who remembers we’re nearly out of toilet paper.
The person who knows what everyone likes for dinner.
The person who gets the text message:
“I’m at the shops. What should I buy for dinner?”
The response to that blog struck a chord with a lot of women. Because if we’re honest, most of us have received that text at least once. Usually while we’re at work, driving kids around, folding washing, or trying to enjoy five minutes of peace.
But there is another side to this conversation that is worth talking about.
If we want to share the mental load, sometimes we need to stop carrying it.
And that can be harder than it sounds.
The Dinner Decision
Let’s start with the shopping text.
Someone is already at the shops. They are standing in front of food. They are perfectly capable of making a decision.
Yet somehow the responsibility gets handed back to us.
A simple response might be:
“You’re buying. You decide.”
Not because you’re being rude.
Not because you don’t care what the family eats.
But because deciding what to cook is part of the task.
The mental load isn’t just physically buying the food. It’s planning it, deciding it, remembering everyone’s preferences, checking what’s in the fridge, and carrying responsibility for the outcome.
If we continue doing all of those parts, we’re still doing the job.
If You Delegate It, Let It Be Delegated
Here’s another common scenario.
Your partner empties the dishwasher.
You reorganise it.
They fold the washing.
You refold it.
They clean the kitchen.
You wipe down the bench again because they missed a spot.
And then we wonder why they stop volunteering.
Nobody enjoys having their work marked like a Year 3 spelling test.
If someone takes ownership of a task, try letting them own it completely.
Will they do it exactly as you would?
Probably not.
Will the world end because the towels are folded differently?
Also probably not.
One of the biggest traps with mental load is believing that “shared” means “done my way by someone else.”
Sometimes shared means accepting different ways of achieving the same outcome.
The Cost of Perfection
Many women have spent years becoming incredibly efficient household managers.
We know the fastest route.
The best system.
The right brand.
The preferred method.
The problem is that efficiency can accidentally create dependence.
When one person becomes the expert in everything, everyone else becomes a beginner.
And beginners are slower.
They make mistakes.
They don’t know the system.
If we want capable partners and capable children, we have to allow them to learn.
Learning is often messy.
Stop Being the Household GPS
Another sneaky form of mental load is answering questions that people could solve themselves.
Where are the school hats?
What’s for dinner?
Have we got any milk?
What time does soccer start?
Sometimes the answer can be:
“I’m not sure. Have a look.”
Or as was the case in my house recently:
Son, at home, calling me 5 hours away ‘mum, do you know where my favourite flamingo shirt is?’
me ‘no, but I can guarantee it is a whole heap closer to you than it is to me’
Not because you’re being unhelpful.
Because constantly being the household search engine is exhausting.
People become more independent when they have opportunities to figure things out themselves.
Let Natural Consequences Do Some Work
This one can be uncomfortable.
If your partner is responsible for buying birthday presents for their family and forgets, don’t rescue them.
If someone is responsible for washing their sports uniform and leaves it too late, don’t stay up at midnight fixing the problem.
If we consistently step in to prevent every consequence, we also keep ownership of every responsibility.
Adults learn responsibility the same way children do.
By experiencing the outcome of their choices.
Decide What Actually Matters
Not everything deserves your energy.
Ask yourself:
- Does this genuinely matter?
- Or does it simply matter that it isn’t how I would do it?
Sometimes we discover we’ve been carrying responsibilities that nobody actually asked us to carry.
The perfectly colour-coded pantry.
The folded fitted sheets.
The school lunch shaped like a Pinterest masterpiece.
If it brings you joy, wonderful.
If it brings you stress, it might be worth reconsidering.
Side note sometimes what used to bring you joy, now fills you with stress. It’s ok to re-examine, re-evaluate and change.
Sharing the Load Is a Skill
For many families, changing the mental load doesn’t happen overnight.
It requires conversations.
Practice.
Patience.
And a willingness from everyone involved to do things differently.
The goal isn’t lower standards.
The goal is shared ownership.
Because carrying everything alone is exhausting.
But sharing the load means sharing the decisions, the responsibility, the planning, the remembering, and sometimes even accepting that there is more than one way to clean a kitchen bench.
And honestly?
A bench that’s clean but not cleaned exactly your way is still a clean bench.
Sometimes that’s a trade worth making.
Need Support?
If you experience persistent low mood, anxiety, or other mental health concerns during this time, seek support from healthcare professionals such as your GP and / or counselling services. For more information about counselling services check out our website Referrals – WA Centre for Perinatal Mental Health & Parenting Support
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