Anticipatory Anxiety in New Parents and Support People: The Shadow of the Past

The Role of Our Own Parenting Experiences

Our personal history profoundly shapes how we approach parenting. Many support people carry lessons — conscious or unconscious — from the parents who raised them. These early experiences can influence both their hopes and their fears about being a parent themselves.

For instance, if someone’s father was emotionally unavailable, critical, or inconsistent, they may wrestle with internal questions like:

• “What if I end up being like him?”
• “Am I equipped to provide the support I didn’t have?”
• “How can I be a good parent when I never had a clear example?”

These reflections are often invisible, simmering beneath the surface, but they shape anxiety in very real ways. A person may feel pressure to “do it right” in order to break the cycle, which paradoxically can increase stress. They might fear failure, worry about repeating past patterns, or feel guilt over feeling unsure or overwhelmed.

Breaking the Cycle

Recognising the influence of our own upbringing is the first step in addressing anticipatory anxiety. Awareness allows support people to:

1. Separate the past from the present
   Understanding that the challenges they faced as children do not define their abilities as parents helps reduce self-criticism. They can consciously choose what they want to carry forward and what to leave behind.
2. Set realistic expectations
   No parent — or support person — is perfect. Accepting imperfection allows for mistakes without shame. Parenting is learned through experience, trial, and reflection, not by replicating or avoiding past examples perfectly.
3. Use reflection as a tool
   Thinking about how their own experiences shaped them can guide decisions: which values do they want to emphasise, what emotional availability can they model, and how can they nurture their child in ways they wished for themselves?
4. Seek support
   Talking through anxieties with a partner, peer group, or counsellor can provide reassurance, perspective, and practical strategies. Professional guidance can be particularly helpful when anxieties feel overwhelming or are rooted in past trauma.

Practical Steps to Manage Anticipatory Anxiety

• Normalize the worry: Recognise that anxiety about the unknown is a common and healthy response to big change.
• Break tasks into small steps: Focus on one decision or one task at a time to avoid feeling paralyzed by the bigger picture.
• Create support networks: Connection with other support people or new parents provides perspective and reassurance.
• Mindful reflection: Journaling, meditation, or talking aloud about fears helps separate worry from reality and can reduce rumination.
• Self-care routines: Sleep, exercise, and personal downtime buffer the effects of anxiety and improve emotional resilience.

The Opportunity in Anticipatory Anxiety

While anticipatory anxiety can feel heavy, it also represents care, commitment, and engagement. The very fact that someone worries about being a “good enough” parent demonstrates their investment in their family’s wellbeing. With reflection, support, and self-compassion, these anxieties can become a guide, helping partners and support people break generational patterns, build stronger bonds, and approach parenthood with both courage and awareness.

Parenting is as much about growth for the parent as it is for the child. Understanding the shadows of our past allows us to step into the light of the present — and in doing so, create a nurturing, intentional, and resilient family environment.

If you would like to find out more about how you can let go of triggers from your own experience of being parented and find out more about how you can meet the needs of your child you can check out our Circle of Security groups.